For over 60 years the game show, “To Tell The Truth” has aired on television and it’s basically an exercise in honesty. Have you ever watched it? Here’s how it’s played: four celebrity panelists ask questions of three participants. One of the contestants truly has had an unusual occupation or experience while the other two contestants are imposters trying to throw off the celebrities. Only one of the three contestants is actually telling the truth. It’s a great show!
But in marriage, if you or your spouse is regularly wondering if they are hearing the truth or a fabrication, it’s no game. The “white lies,” “casual lies,” and layers of deception erode the very foundation of a marriage. Trust is broken and it can take a long time to rebuild trust and restore the value of absolute honesty in a marriage.
This is part of a series based on anonymous questions we have received at Build Your Marriage conferences across the United States. Some details may be modified to protect the identities of individuals.
How can I signal my spouse that their being on the phone while we’re having a conversation hurts me and our relationship?
The distraction of the screen has become prevalent in marriage today. It may be your smartphone, tablet, or computer, but the “ping” or the vibration notifying us that SOMETHING needs our attention or SOMEONE is waiting for a response beckons us. Like Dr. Pavlov’s dogs we are conditioned to respond and it hurts our connection with our spouse.
Do you struggle with wanting to criticize your spouse? Almost all of us have either experienced criticism in our marriage, or observed it in our family of origin.
Criticism is when we blame, shame, and attack the character and nature of another person. Criticism often begins with phrases like: “You never,” “You always,” and “You are….”
How would you describe what it is like to be around a consistently negative person? The kind of person who longs for rain on a sunny day and for whom the glass is always half empty. Wouldn’t you agree that an individual like that can be a difficult person to be around?
In our work with couples we have seen marriages crash and burn because one or both persons have chosen to focus their negative attitude toward their spouse. Even after they are confronted with the issue, they continue their negative behavior. They refuse to change their attitude and accentuate the positive in their marriage.
What do you do when your spouse annoys you? Do you just put up with it? Do you nag them about it? Has something become a source of irritation and put distance between the two of you?
Sometimes, it doesn’t take much for something to get under our skin, does it? Like the person driving in front of us whose turn signal has been on for miles? Or the individual who chooses the “15 items or less” line with more than 30 items in their cart? Maybe it’s the co-worker who is consistently late for meetings. But those are all situations that we can leave behind us when we go home.
The challenge comes when there are mannerisms or behaviors of our spouse that we allow to get under our skin. It may not seem like a big deal, but experts agree that these annoyances are things that need to be addressed or they will fester and become major issues in our marriage.
“Where have you seen God at work lately?” That is the opening question Brad asks men every week at the Thursday morning Bible study he leads. Initially, Brad was met with blank stares and a couple of half hearted responses. (It’s tough to get guys to talk at 6:15 in the morning!) But over the years the men have learned to show up ready to talk about different experiences they have had with God.
In the busyness of life it can be so easy for couples to keep conversations on the surface. We discuss our schedules, kids’ activities and any chores that need to be done around the house. We may talk briefly about anything interesting happening at work. But after that, the nights and the weekends consume our time and we rarely take our conversations deeper.
“We just don’t seem to connect. We’re nice to each other. We talk about the day, the kids, our work. We do projects around the house, go out with friends and attend church. But when it comes to really getting each other—I don’t think we connect.”
Have you ever felt like this in your marriage? Where life is good, and yet you are yearning for deeper understanding with your spouse? It’s not uncommon for us to have conversations like this with one or both spouses in a marriage. One of the keys to connection is wrapped up in the simple and profound learning of empathy and putting it into practice.
Empathy doesn’t just feel badly or sorry for what your spouse is experiencing. Empathy goes deeper and tries to identify with them; it says, “You’re not alone. We’re in this together.” (see video below)
- Photo credit: kelley_leigh / Foter / CC BY-NC-SA
Love tells the truth and the truth must be told in love. Do you believe that? Is it true in your marriage?
Matt and Sara have a marriage with minimal conflict. Their evenings are filled with some casual conversation about the day, the children, household decisions and friends. But to keep the peace they avoid telling each other what is happening inside their hearts. Neither wants to admit that they are lonely in their marriage. And so they continue to pretend and wish for a different life. And the separation widens…
John is quiet and reflective while Mary is strong and outgoing. When John opens up about something that he is feeling or thinking, it is common for Mary to power-up and shut him down. Over time, John chose to become more secretive with everything from money to activities to his thoughts. And the separation widens…
The irony in trying to keep the peace in marriage by not telling the truth is that you actually LOSE the relationship you are trying to preserve! It is only in telling the truth with love to your spouse that you are drawn together and are connected intimately.